When we face some problem at our work, we should try to look out for strategic solution with the help of our cognitive skills and experience. We did a lot in our professional life but things differ when we have to deal with our personal life. Almost all personal consultants can give better solution than the one, they decided for their personal problems. If we examine further, we may get response as
“Hey! My problems are quite difficult then my clients. I accept, I am not the best to solve them!! Otherwise I would be the happiest one..”. .The long silence,..the realization that somewhere something went wrong, a pause! digging the internal!! .. Hey, I(consultant) never thought that way before!! Really!!! whom am I to solve other’s personal problems when I can’t solve mine? I am not the best one to solve personal problems.. am I? What’s wrong with me??
If we started taking the same, many of us may think in the similar fashion at some point of time: I have given guidance to many friends but I can’t able to solve mine own relative problem. Is mine personal problems are difficult than others? A simple answer is NO. What went wrong!! The answer lies in the basics of thinking and its relation with our sentiments.
We always treat our personal problem as kinda disaster by adding worry and other concerns to main problem. Interestingly, we are so busy that we even forgot to put efforts in solving them!! I know, many of us, who faced some personal problems may be agitated by this fact. It may seems harsh, but “true”. We rarely concentrate on solving the problem, we atmost expect that how it can be avoided(i.e quick fix or workaround) or delayed. Why its so?
We are best in solving other’s problem and specially our area of expertise.. a computer architect may be best in providing solution for your technical problem, doctor is best in providing solution to our health problem. Psychiatrist are best in solving mind and some personal problem. But at home, they all are helpless.. OK! they are not expert in providing solution to their personal problems, they need to learn about that problems to give a better solution; isn’t it?? Again big NO.. It is only having a psychological barrier. Our mind works in similar logical aspect to solve a problem regardless of behavior. There are two aspects, we are going to cover:
1. How should we look at the problem and solve them
2. Planning the life in the way that future will be more safe and secured
If you explore the internet, you can find there are many steps/solutions given by different philosophers, however most of the solution converges to reinforce one hidden point. We are going to take more on this “hidden” point, which is first time(here) referred directly.
We say, we “humans” are having most complex life. Lot more than any other species on earth..They can do whatever feel like but we can’t!Why ?
It’s us, who define our life and surrounding environment.. we defined relations..we created society.. all in all it is for our own convenience. Then!!! what went wrong?? are we facing problem by the rules and regulation virtually or mutually agreed by us?? Are we?
We keeps on diversifying and merging at such rate that we created things dense and complex. We(and the God) choose the level of complexity of our life by choosing our lifestyle, our loved one’s, our targets and some other relative factors. If we want peace, we can directly erase all relations and can take a shad in mountain’s peak; be a saint!! But its same as
“I close my eyes and feel that every problem related to me are solved, it was like a bad dream over.” Many of us solve problem in similar fashion.
Unfortunately, there is no panacea available.
At some point, heart follows the mind. Its true that every feeling is realized by mind but may felt in heart. When we enter the world, we automatically attach to many relations, even though we were not aware about meaning of the word “r e l a t i o n”.
To our wonder! our heart started accepting the things in the way its decided by our society..My brother/sister, my parents, my grandpa. Even in long run.. I married to that girl, she is my wife and father in law etc. If something stuck to our mind, which may be natural..but we always learn, that its wrong .. means it is. We automatically started feeling guilty for that. It is something to do with our tradition and values. Mind plays very important role in identifying good or bad. However, It may not be in the scope of the topic! I just wanted to evaluate how things actually work and a clear segregation of the difference between mind,heart and its roles.
Every problem, whether personal or work related can be mapped in one problem domain space. We can find solution in the same way(for both), however criticality differs. Sorry to be harsh, but sometimes we blow into emotions or worry and we act like a fool to solve our personal problem. I will give many example to explain it in simpler terms. I believe that mostly, neutral and experienced person are having better solutions. Not clear? take it in two parts.. First neutral.. i.e. no heavy emotions or worries with regards to the problem which give maximum power for brains to work on. Secondly, “Experience”- it matters in two aspects.. First if they experienced the problem, then they might have solved it, Its human tendency to dig further the solution in order to improve over our decision making capability, to give better solution in the next attempt. If person already experienced that situation he will also be aware about criticality of that problem and pros and cons associated with it(Married one may say don’t marry ).
Phew.. too big things!! Lets bookmark it, dumping everything at once is not good idea.
Now direct to the point, if we require to solve, we should know that we are going to follow some solution strategy with critical measures and NOT obvious reactions due to sequence of that problem or its consequences. Lets understand the difference between solution and obvious acts –
We are going to include some of the real life examples, which I feel are good for illustration:(Nearly all examples are inspired from real life events). All are obvious acts and NOT the solution.
General Solution: First, we need to believe that there is no problem in the world which can not be solved. I just want to remind you, I am strictly talking about “problems” only. However, factors of efforts, self confidence and motivation required may vary according to the problem, its complexity, its current state and positives and negatives related to that problem. Remember, for any problem there are two parties, one which really favors solving the problem and others who never cares about problem and unknowingly working on making it more difficult. In general, positive parties include all persons who loves you and matured enough to make a positive impacts regarding the problem(which nearly can be estimated to <5 persons). and other party includes society and other relatives/friends etc who don’t have direct impact on that problem.NO PROBLEM IN THE WORLD CAN BE SOLVED PERMANENTLY BY FORCE.
Smoking and Drinking problem: Here comes the gizmo’s.. It is always been the biggest problem for any family. Lets see the scenario what a normal person or many of us who is reading it for the first time may react:
Ritch is a heavy drinker.. It has been four years of his marriage with her beloved Alice. Ritch is a very good person. He fully concentrate on his work, love his family and always try to maintain good relations with others. But somehow, things are not going in his favor. He is a heavy drinker, which is eating the measure chunk of his “hard earned” money. After delivery of his only son Dennis.. their marital relation gone bad. They spent most of the time cursing each other and ya, the god for giving them “bad” partners. They just forgot their 9 years old love and hundreds of sacrifices to make this relation alive. First time, Alice told Ritch.. “you nuts.. you can’t understand anyone’s feeling.. you always afraid of things.. so you take help of drinks. That’s all you are.. just drinking all our hard earned money. You just gulped our happiness for your noble pleasure, are you having any idea, how are we living in these conditions? Why are we not happy like our neighbour Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Why you can’t throw this out?” First time in life Ritch got badly hurt. His eyes got wet and he tried to say something but just a light whisper with heavy heart.. hardly touched Alice ears! “This! this all!! I loved you madly! I always preferred your happiness over mine.. I faced all situations, I sacrificed a lot to make you happy.. and now you are telling me ..nuts.. just for the drinking reasons!!”. Two unnoticed tears rolled out of his cheeks and taken rest at the carpet. That was the end of this happiest couple. Obvious enough, for one week, Ritch tried hard to come out of his drinking habits, every time her wife kept on cursing him, by all means “forcing”. Ritch fought for one month… but sure enough.. no luck..Time spent.. and they started carrying their relation for the sake of their child’s future. Love lost in dark and found work of watering eyes. Continuous forcing and negative waves made it worst, finally it ends with a divorce.
Have you seen someone doing the same? Is that a solution or obvious acts?
Now lets see the solution:
Problems: Smoking and Drinking problem
Solution: First we take necessary steps to take it as a problem. It’s a problem and there may be a person who suffered from that problem. If that problem is taken out of that life then that person may be really good. OK!! now stop complicating that person’s life. If any person is in problems then he/she may be willing to have the best solution for that problem. So motivation factor is already there. Lets take a solution of above listed problem(take this ending)
Alice soon started realizing that Ritch is having drinking problem and this problem can not be cured at once. So forcing/emotional blackmail or impact view may not be able to solve it. Alice approached Ritch, holding his hand and told in a low tone, I can understand. I still loves you. I was just angry, I am with you, always. This has done a magical impact of Ritch, Ritch just reassured that he need to take out from that drinking problem. Alice supported Ritch decision. Ritch joined best alcohol rehabilitation center. Alice understand that it takes some time so next time when she saw, at times, Ritch drinking heavily. She haven’t reacted, without creating a scene. Soon magic started, Ritch found something more important for him than alcohol. He really started caring about his family, the only thing which rejoice his happiness. However it has taken about 1 year to fully recover from that state. So patience, courage and love made the magic in Alice’s life.
Lets take another look. Our next example::
Dealing with criminals
Mr. Sunil always taken his son “Ram” as his proud. His elder brother Shyam is capable enough of understanding their responsibilities and done too good for his brother and other family members. But things started hurting them when surrounding of Ram started turning bad. Most of his friends are indulge in criminal activities. Soon winds started blowing from other end which impacted Ram’s behavior and thinking. Obviously, Shyam has an important role to play here. He started pressurizing Ram to be away from his new friends, Shyam bitten his younger brother badly. Ram agreed, but he again kept contact with them, now things were hidden. One day, when Shyam realized that things are not changed and it even became worst.
He started shouting on his younger brother, slapped him and warned him to stop doing these things again. But things again gone worst and now ‘out of control’, so it started impacting Shyam’s life which reflects in his behavior. Even though no change in the things!!! Story goes on.
This is the expected approach or obvious acts. Isn’t it. It seems that this is the best way to get things resolved.. If you think so, you really need to read this article once more.
Problems: Dealing with criminals
Solution: First of all its important to understand that why anyone is involved in it. Somewhere something is overlooked by Ram. Ram should have track of Shyam’s surrounding. Its important to understand Ram’s priority. What is he finding in them? Anyways, these things can not be solved in one day. Rather then shouting on his brother and threatening him or his friend! Its important to make him to change the way of thinking rather than forcing to change. Support good friends of shyam, ask his old trustable friend to assist him. Sit with shyam, try to give him more time in understanding his pin points. Sometimes, we can also take emotional advantage of the things – who is more important. Something need to understand “Don’t ever abuse his friends or him for this.” Let him realize what you actually wants and why? Soon you will realize that the things will change. Have patience, even if the things got worst, don’t loose your patience. Have faith on God. Continuous struggle will make it solved.-
Typical Love Problems:
Here is another problem involving typical age group (around 20-30 years) . Now It’s very serious concerns and eligible to be added to this article.
Richard is simply outstanding person. Smart, intelligent and career oriented. He put a positive fan around him which impressed many girls. But however, he preferred to make himself reserved and always found a better place to invest time. Still he was most discussed topic around girls. Time spent, soon, cupid blessed him with the divine feeling of love for a girl Mary. As usual Richard tried to hide his feelings, just to protect any mishaps and tried continuously to concentrate on their original target. Something never means to be hidden, it flashed a bit to pass a buzz to the surrounding. As usual, when disclosed, Mary was really angry that now Richard started flirting with her. She got really angry as it may put effect to her image. She stopped having any communication with him. She also felt that Richard is a big flirt because he use to talk with many girls. Girls started minting her to ensure their flirt assumption should become stronger with time. A silence put a big disturbance in Richard’s life. Richard never able to understand whats going on behind the scene. Time passes on to make things worst. Poor Richard keeps on trying to contact to her. Everyone started abusing him that why he want to waste time for that type of girl(Mary)? Mysterious communication gap made it worst. He continue to take on the pain(read more at Love the mystery revealed). However love impacted his personal and professional life badly. It just associated to his current pain. People keep on forcing him in order to make him understand that he is going in wrong track and it will only spoil everyone’s life. Days passed on, Richard continuous to fight with himself but it started spoiling his career and no doubt the personal life. On the other end, Mary keep on acting against him. At the end his life was ruined.
I really wonder; we expect this behavior from a teenager but what should we do if that case happens with a matured person like Richard? Is that impact of films or need of love? What do you think? these type of person should be badly punished.. isn’t it? In love and crush related cases things should be straight forward ‘make’ or ‘break’. This is the practical approach. If we keep on with things which is not logically beneficial for us then obviously it made everyone to loose. Although we should not write these things but if that person made a suicide attempts due to continuously taking on unbearable pain then!!(To neutralize suicidal tendency, Read your most precious moments and Every Human Being is special). It would have impacted life of every associated one. What would be the image of that person? How that person can face the world? Don’t you think the same? Let me know your views..
Problems: Typical Love Problem
Solution: First we need to understand, Love/Crush or any other variant may directly impact heart, really(Love) or virtually(Crush). So mind has very little to do with the things. In most of the cases, these things happen automatically. Its very obvious that its impact can be as of drug which produce very high intensity of love or hate. Whatever that person do in that period is just an impact of Love/Crush. So that period should never be keep into account in judging that person. So are they need to understand, what are they doing? Surprisingly NO. You CAN’T help, they may be aware what are they doing and what can be the impact but however, they can’t move out of the things. They adopt it personally. However, These type of things should be done with intense care. Mary can easily hurt Richard. Hurting anyone may be the worst thing of the world. Mary need to show some intelligence and understanding. Mary should understand the value she may be having in Richard’s life. I talked to one of my friend and explained this scenario – My friend quickly told me that his life will be like “living dead”. To harsh to share, but somewhat true. Loving someone is life switching i.e. if you love someone, everything change and someone else may have very strong presence in your life(More at Love the mystery revealed). Main source of lover’s happiness is their love. Everything else may be contribute to partial happiness. We all experience love in our life. We got love from parents, family, good old friends and many more. It is one of the most important factor of life, every other things are spontaneous pleasure/happiness. All are having similar characteristics. It need to be addressed that crush may include possessiveness and react slightly different than Love. However we don’t ever have to reveal actual difference between this terminology. It can break many relations. Back to the problem, here Ram may be continuously worried about Mary. It will be worst if he is not able to look whether Mary is happy or not. If Mary stopped responding then level of stress for Ram is going to increase, she may try to reduce the communication gap. Level of stress will continuously to increase with the time. soon it may reach to unbearable level of stress and may impact Ram’s health and can increase suicidal tendency. Impact in the middle period is unpredictable. It is also interesting that the level of dedication and sacrifice in love is so strong that experts advised that for loving anyone, one should love yourself before loving others. In this case, whatever the Mary’s decision. Mary should avoiding hurting Ram and further impacting his life. Mary should not abuse Ram’s life. There may be little problems, but however it is manageable.. Love is always treated as being the good thing due to its behavior, however it can put worse impact Love is Evil Article. Things written to heart are very difficult to erase. If you are in love then I believe that your partner is best in deciding your life. I believe that breaking hurt is the worst thing anyone can do. I don’t know how much may be aware that broken heart is physicaland can be in form of acute heart attack. It can weaken your heart(traumatic impact). However, heart can be healed with intense care and deep rest for 3-4 months. Apart from its psychological and emotional(which may last life long) impacts, it can also lead to various symptoms to severe problems.
Lets peek into problems of businessman Raju…
Raju is the owner of firm indulge in export business. Raju taken a lot to make firm in the state, it is, today. Raju wants her son Manish to go on the same line. He want that Manish should follow his defined way, which is chosen by him and make this firm grow bigger and bigger. When Manish was in 12th. Raju trying to make him biased toward business and forced him to do BBA and then MBA, which may help him in joining their family business- Raju’s whole sole asset. But however, Manish is too keen in sticking with his computer and doing hit and trial to various sites. These things always made Raju bit angry. Time keeps running and Raju’s frustration increased day by day..
Ok! Ok! then.. look at the reason of join to nuclear family migration.
Problem: My son should follow me..
Solution: We should understand two things, every generation differs from the previous for many reasons. There is no level of saturation. Everyone is having different mindset. It is general belief that if you got something so easily, you will never realize the real values of the things. Raju might have done tremendous job, but if he really want to make Manish do the same. Never force Manish to do the things. Involve him only if he is interested. Its upto him to decide what’s good for him. We can only deviate thoughts and can help them in better decision making.
Joint to Nuclear Family Migration
I just keep bugging people to know more about their observations!! Interestingly world consist of various trouble and troubleshooters, but all having different approaches. I rarely found anything common between views of two persons. One of the view is migration of joint family to nuclear. India was known best for having joint families in late 19’s but there is heavy migration. Is it the impact of western culture!! Nope.. Its our internal conflict.
The change we are seeing in Indian culture today is the correction which need to happen at some point of time. Its not today. If you take a look at history, you will find lots of attempts of correction and its recovery. Now we got support from west, which made the breakthrough. More on this in near future..
This mix cultured and different generations made a huge different in integrity of joint family. Many of us think that wife is the main cause of all such family problems. I believe that your wife favors you, with the only reason that she is more selfish
. I know, this sentence will be always in doubt.Now, Money is also one of the core importance. There are step by step breakdown of joint to nuclear family:
Step1: Senior members started getting annoyed with the change in next generations which act like a spark in internal conflicts.
Step2: That conflict may lead to social or financial matters.
Step3: Things will be indirectly communicated so that no one can understand the original matter
Step4: It will give rise to all small matters which was hidden but accumulated with time.
Step5: Everyone thinks that splitting will solve the problem so they split into nuclear family.
After splitting, problem started increasing due to lack of dependency and support. These things have after shock impact. They want to get together or atleast improve relation.. but.. no hopes.
Solution: First, we need to understand the need of changing world. Mostly, big joint family is not supported with future view of the things. Isolation may actually improve relations. I believe that it require strong gum of love/affection and respect to make joint family together. But however, with the changing world many people may not like it and it may be wrongly interpreted as intrusion to their privacy. Best advantage of joint family will be heavy financial and emotional support. To work out with the joint family, each member should understand that their may be need of changing world around them and new member, being the part of family. They should respect each other’s privacy and opinion and not unnecessary surpassing any other’s viewpoint. It should be taken for sure that still someone may not feel comfortable in that environment.
Anyone interested, can suggest us solutions in comments. However, it will be published soon is successive drafts of this topic.
These completes the general view regarding problem and solution space.I end with another hint. I found this quotation: Perfectly fit for problem solving..
Don’t Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
So, if you have not done this! then surely you may have ended with taking wrong decisions for your life.
I saved my future:
Lets see where some of us lacks.
I believe that best way to earn money is to predict the future. It’s also a strong point that predicting future in the correct way, can lead to good luck. Luck is also interesting thing. It can be taken as mix of solution to relative probability of domain including targeted people/dream, opportunity and heuristics knowledge. Fortunately, People’s awareness about predicting future is increasing. Lets see how predicting future impact our life…
One old man sitting in relaxing chair with lots of tension .. cursing his luck for all the mishaps. I gone to him and asked what happened.. he told that I am looking for options to arrange enough money for my grand daughter’s marriage. I tried many times but never succeeded. Now I want more than 5000$ in one month. I wonder how can I arrange that?
Solution: We always hear that ‘Prevention is better than cure’. We mostly related it with health. But the rule applies for almost all things. All conditions in I saved my future explains that how prevention is far better than cure(if any) to situations. In current situation, The old man should have planned about 5000$ before the things happen. It is easy to save such chunks of money in a lifetime.
Take another look:
Problems of NRIs:
“One Indian couple settled in USA. After long time i.e. more than 25 years, Mr. Sanjay(Father) told his son(Vicky) to marry to an Indian girl. Vicky given a rude reply. “Dad! Its my life and I will make all decisions, I don’t want anyone to interrupt, so don’t come in my way. I will marry to the girl, which I feel like.”, Sanjay’s face shrank, his dream is over.
What about this one
“Liza is having last few breaths remaining.. Lots of tears surrounded her. Everyone was in a low. Shem keep on shouting outside ICU. Its all my mistake! I am responsible for her conditions!! Today, I am helpless!! This recession taken my job and wife away from me.. Oh god! Why you did it to me.“.
Just a synopsis: Liza was suffering from skin cancer. Shem is happily married person, manager of Meryl Lynch bank with handsome salary of 100,000USD per annum. Liza was well on the go, till the recession and her health hits her. Shem was not prepared for this blow. He arranged money from every options to assure his survival for few months. But constant expenses of one of the best hospital of California was simply unbearable. It has to end some way..
There are endless examples which can be seen in one form or other..
Solution to all such remains in the core idea. your thought may be “No one predicts about their future.. Its nonsense.. these are very big problems and I don’t feel that anyone can solve the problem. It is all due to Luck. Poor luck is most abused thing of the world and it is mostly responsible for almost all bad thing happened in your life.. Ya! but at the times to take credit of goodness then we say atmost that luck helped us but its all my courage and desire to excel the things. Its not only luck, no way…
We can foresee almost all of the problems which we can face in the future and we can prioritize accordingly. Some are common among individuals. Like in the first example, its obvious that guy born and brought up in USA may not have typical Indian thinking!! Then why his father even expected him to marry to an Indian girl? This reply is very obvious. Although its not the solution. I am not giving the solution, I just want to throw a light which may lead to a solution.
One poor family member can have many responsibility. That person may say “I am poor. I can’t help in relaxing my future problem. I know, problems will come.”.It reminds me to great saying of Billgates:
“If you born poor it’s not your mistake, But if you die poor, it’s your mistake”, interestingly, I found lots of comments discussing what the use of money after death and relative absurds. It simply means that all in all how much you made of your life? You got an initial environment which is not in your control. But your courage, progress, ability to improve your skills and visualization to implement your big dreams is still in your hand. It may be difficult but it is not impossible. Honestly, everything have its pros and cons. Even if we talk about rich family It may be equally difficult to reach own targets. So that ‘poor person’ already declared himself as a “Looser”.. no .. he is NOT a looser, he is coward. Looser can progress cowards can’t. You can relate it as “accepting defeat before playing.”. This is my definition of coward. That type of person can hardly progress, they are more dependent and they always seek for external motivating factor. Spark lies within us! we only need to realize it to ignite the fire. You need not to find it outside us.
Problem lies in almost everyone’s life. If you never felt that in your life then you missed a greater opportunity to learn. Your life becomes more important and directional when you face a problem. It also aid to your bearing capacity and better decision making ability. Best way to solve your personal problem is to take it as a general problem and try to solve it more consciously and in independent manner. Independent simply means that neglecting the presence that you are having in victim’s life and other involved; thinking from his/her end to have better visualization of problem and its impact and thinking what’s best for him/her. This concept however leads to one trait of Golden rule(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ethic_of_reciprocity). If you start thinking independently, you reached at first step to better tomorrow.
Waiting for your comments and suggestion, which always helped us in improving my writing skills and views.
Revised Draft. I will appreciate if you can spent some time in helping others by providing your feedback or commenting on for better solutions i.e. If you are chosen to give solution to any problem listed in this topic, what would be your way of solving it?
Final revision with solution will take some time. Feel free to communicate anything with us. We are here to help you out in making a better tomorrow.